"... all my friends are murder...

... all my bones no marrows in..."

I feel a little betrayed. Just a little. My friends have been treating me like sh**t (or is it that I have been feeling like sh**t around them for no apparent reason and all they say/do, I take personally?) for a long time now. At first, it bothered me and made me sad. Now, it just makes me sad. And sort of homesick, only I feel a terrible nostalgia about the people that I don't doubt are my friends... as if I were totally "friendsick" or something.

It makes me wonder... is it me? is it I have changed? ...

Or is it they're just not real friends? (my "option A" to finish this sentence was "a bunch of jerks" --> I don't want them to stumble into this and feel aggravated... not that they read the stuff I write, but just in case)

Guess I'll never know.

This situation makes me feel bored and disconnected. Like an observer or a visitor in a place in which I used to feel safe, happy, comfortable... it plainly sux.

But I'll do nothing, noooothing at all. Deep inside, I want to keep the hopeful idea that this is yet another passing phase in our group dynamics, probably triggered by exhaustion, the ending of a semester, the moon cycles...

If I am right, I'll laugh off this post and get back to "normal".

If I am wrong, I guess I won't lose anything at all.

But as for now, I feel bored, and strange, and sometimes, really sad (sad as hell).

I just needed to put it into words.

andru chose me to play the "game" a really long, long time ago.

the "game" consists of writing eight facts about myself and invite others to do so (about themselves).

so here i go:

* i wish to become a media producer some day

* i love art and cult movies (but have no time to watch as many as i'd like)

* i adore poetry, and have written a few poems

* cold days make me terribly sad, gloomy and particularly depressive

* i believe in angels watching over me and taking care of me all the time

* i fear becoming a mother and not being half as good as mine (or even worse, being a terribly bad one)

* i enjoy singing (and have always wanted to be in a band haha)

* i read cosmo magazine :P

i have no blogger friends to invite to the "game", though.

however, feel free to post ur eight facts when you pass by :D

IT'S MY B-DAY

"TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY, AND I GET ONE EVERY YEAR...

(...and someday, hard to believe, but I'll be buried six feet under ground...)"

now that was gloomy.

hippie birthday, myself!!!!

n_n

The "plains"

I've officially entered a much dreaded territory, better know as the "plains"... the place where everything, no matter which way you look, is plain flat.

The other day, I was having a conversation with my best friend, and she pointed out (after a very hurtful break-up) that she doesn't like anyone and that she'll stay that way for a long, long time (the "plains", she called it). I told her not to feel that way, that she has to allow herself some time to heal, etc etc... until I realized that I was living on the "plains" myself!!!! What happened????

I used to really, really like a boy... then, a lot of things happened, other boys came into my radar... and even I am friends with this boy and things are going on smoothly... I don't feel the same way about him anymore. But I don't like any other boy (well.. I thought I liked another boy, until I discovered what a terribly bad idea that was...). So, I am officially dwelling in the flat, boring "plains" .

Now the question is... since I don't like any boy in particular... do I like all boys in general?!?!

Mmmm... this could be interesting, after all... XD

An applause for the cynic...

I have a dear friend (actually, I have a lot of them). He is a lawyer. But he was dissapointed by a girl, which proves he is also human. He was chatting in msn a couple of minutes ago, and he had as a nick something about this evil girl; something really direct... so direct, it even included her name. It wasn't rude or anything, it was just bold...

Gosh!!! It really made me laugh at first, because it is like the third time he does something like that. He claims it doesn't hurt anymore; he does it just because he doesn't care what she thinks (in fact, she has seen his nicknames...) or how she can react. They don't talk to each other anymore. Still, it makes me wonder: why can't we all be that bold, that crystal clear?

Then I'd know what people in my life really think of me. Why they do (and did) the things they've done; the things they've said. And we would all be living with the comfort of knowing the real deal of things. We'd all be happier, and we'd all get along better.

Still, I know my wishes are soooooo utopic. I have claimed all of my life that I am pretty honest, pretty real, pretty crystalline... but I can't stand up in front of people and tell them what I think about them. I guess I'm not that transparent after all.

I can't even write bold nicknames. I just panick with the thought of it.

But I'd like to know the truth, at some point. Maybe the time will come when I am ready to speak it up first.

"...and i am so sad, like a good book, like a good book..."

a sorta fairytale. but fairy tales do not exist. life is much more complicated than, say, a good character, a bad character, a plot, and a happy ending. today i found myself the leading lady of a more than complex real-life tale (with no fairies to solve the upcoming issues, the frustration, the fear...). i haven't been able to wake up and get to work for two days, and my radio project really sucked. no second chance, at least for me. what next? due papers, due exams, due explanations. why is it that i simply can't have what i want?

i had a conversation with a dear friend; he said something that really got me. he implied that i don't care (about him... about anything). i do care. hey! i'm only human... faulty, flawed, unwell... but as human as any of you "perfect" beings ready to point your fingers at me. but yes, i have feelings, and tons of them.

cut me some slack people, so-called friends, foes and life... i'm really tired!