asphixia

I can't breathe anymore.

I wonder if it's yet another passing phase or I'm just being dramatic.

Maybe it's a little bit of both. It really doesn't matter: whatever the cause, I feel stuck. With what? With life.

It's as if all my dreams and hopes have gone throught the toilet to a happier place. Or if I had hit my head and suddenly forgotten the things that used to make me feel somewhat happy or somewhat inspired. I feel tied down to my relationships: they demand the hell from me, but I can't count on them to listen to me, to tell me what's going wrong with me. I'm desperate.

And frightened. Very. I don't seem able to find the cause of my asphixia, not being able to fix it and move on. Yesterday I even thought for a few seconds of killing myself (how fucking emo has this blog turned out?!). No. This is not a desperate call for help. I wouldn't do it, and I'm not planning my near suicide. I'm talking about the feeling of wanting away that has invaded my system and that makes me feel as if death were just another place to run to, like Namibia, to start over and feel my life again.

Most of the times, I dream of helping in the Salvation Army, or UNICEF or some other humanitarian cause in which I would get lost in others and just forget how tied down I feel and maybe, just maybe, by seeing despair reflected in others' eyes, I would be able to find true meaning for my own existence, the end.

But for the time being, I can't run to Africa to find myself. I'm stuck for another year in my beloved (and now, lacking of any wonders) Mexico City. I have to finish college. And afterwards, start paying for college. And then, there's family and friends and the other loved ones. And I will have to get me a job, and buy me a car, and begin saving for when I get married and have kids, and from then on, it's just more work and life passing in front of me at the speed of sound. I long for life to pass in front of me at the speed of sound: being so fucking busy I don't have time to complain or to wonder what the meaning of life is or to feel desperate. I will be comfortably numb, just like generations before me did.

And one day I'll open my eyes just to find reality face to face: I will have wasted my life, I will not have gone to the places one day I dared to dream I'd go. And I will not have made a difference in the world, like one day I thought I would. And it will all be too late, because I will be very old or sick or something.

Maybe this perspective is what has me feeling all tied down. I want to do a lot of things, but I don't have any idea how to make them come true. Somebody told me yesterday to think of all the things I have, as if my feeling bad was on purpose; an action being performed with the sole intention of ruining other's lives (yet, most of the people around me have proven to be selfish enough to believe this). It just pissed me off. I know all the great blessings I have, and I thank life for them. The thing is, counting my blessings doesn't make it enough. I have measured them, I have weighed my gifts; I have even placed them in boxes so that they don't get lost. The problem is I don't know what's next. Once counted, measured and preserved, what am I supposed to do with them?

What am I supposed to do once I finish school? I don't know what I want to do with my career: should I be a journalist, a publicist, a radio producer? Worse yet, will I be (able to be) a journalist, a publicist or a radio producer????

Will I get married (I intend to, but then again, nothing is certain)??? Will I have kids the way I want to (with the economic means to do so, with the wisdom to parent them well, and with the emotional disposition to do so???)???

Will I ever feel fine???

I'm absolutely puzzled. I just wish I weren't bored with life and would be able to face what's to come with hope and exitement and not with terror and the feeling of running away that always comes with it.

RaNdoMneSs....

What is your occupation? communications student. And a complainer.
What color are your socks right now? white
What are you listening to right now? I am the walrus, by Bono
What was the last thing that you ate? my mom’s bday cake
Can you drive a stick shift? hell no!
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Electric blue or shocking pink… or “sunny” crayon (of the ones which come scented)
Last person you spoke to on the phone? My boyfriend, yesterday night.
Do you like the person who sent this to you? Oh, I actually stole it from Andru’s blog ‘cuz I’m bored… but yes, I love Andru, she’s one of my most deared friends.
How old are you today? Today, (I feel like) 26
Favorite drink? Water, coke, coffee, sweet stuff
What is your favorite sport to watch? soccer
Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, and I still would like it pink for a month.
Pets? My beloved Daika
Favorite food? Japanese, candy and sweets, chilli stuff
What was the last movie you watched? Across the Universe (and hence, became obsessed with it and the stc)
Favorite day of the year? My birthday, last day of school, halloween
What was your favorite toy as a child? This is hard… it could’ve ranged from chalk to a piece of chord to one of my siblings to almost anything… oh, but I loved Lego blocks, “Pin y Pón” and yes, I was a Barbie girl.
What is your favorite fall or spring? spring
Hugs or kisses? Good hugs and good kisses
Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries and blueberries.. but more of a cherry girl, though
Living arrangements? Home, with my mom and siblings
When was the last time you cried? Dunno… have I fought with my boyfriend lately?
What is on the floor of your closet? There’s no floor to my closet… O.o
What did you do last night? We had friends over because of my mom’s birthday, talked on the phone with my boyfriend, studied for an exam and had cake.
Favorite smells? Wet soil (as if it were just about to rain), good perfume, home-made orange bread, old books, clean sheets, water, the smell of food when I’m very hungry…
What inspires you? Many things inspire many thoughts and feelings on me...
What are you afraid of? Death of a loved one, having a tragic death myself… and mundane stuff like roaches and mimes and such creeps…
Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? cheese
Favorite dog breed? Daika and everything and anything that looks like her.
Number of keys on your key ring? Three???? No idea
How many years at your current job? I wish I had a job
Favorite day of the week? Friday!
Favorite holidays? Halloween, New Year’s Eve

" Fairies wear boots!!! "

"...Fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
Yeah I saw it, I saw it, I tell you no lies
Yeah fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me
I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes..." (fairies wear boots. black sabbath)

Fairies wear boots. And jeans. And sometimes, they change their boots for flats. They sport long, short, or medium hair. Some of them wear makeup, though they don't need it. Some of them wear corporate suits and briefcases and glasses. Others dress like gipsies. Some are tall. Others, short. Some of them have beautiful bodies, while others could use some workout. All of them wear smiles.

Some fairies are mothers. Others, are hard-working students. They all are friends. Many of them have a job. Sometimes, they are all of the above. But absolutely all of them make the world a better place with their magic.

All fairies feel. And care. A lot. Some of them won't show it often. Dressed in their boots, they are absolute and fierce fighters. They fight for what they want, for what they dream, and for those who they care about. They wake up early in the morning and are the last ones to go to sleep. Fairies are strong. Fairies are very, very strong, although they look softer on the outside.

This is to all of the fairies that surround my life, transform it, and make it beautiful and warm, and won't let me forget how to dream and how to fight.

Fairies wear boots. And high-heeled shoes.

Happy International Women's Day (march 8th)

"so this is the new year...

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions..." (the new year. death cab for cutie)

It's been almost a month since New Year and, visiting the funniest blog ever, I realized I did ask for New Year's wishes, but made no resolutions.

But, since the year is technically just starting (because the way I see it, it starts to start when the semester begins), I present you (ok... myself) with my 2008 resolutions:

1. Exercise at least 3 days a week.
2. Quit smoking.
3. REALLY, really quit smoking.
4. Go to the beach on my birthday.
5. Watch, at least, two great movies per month.
6. Get a paid job by the time I'm in 7th.
7. Go to "El Ángel" and watch the bats.
8. Finish the four books from "Los Reyes Malditos" I haven't read.
9. Learn how to dance.
10. Learn how to cook.
11. Learn how to drive.
12. Learn how to play bass.
13. Visit a place I don't know.
14. Finish my Social Service.
15. Go to the theater at least once.
16. Stay in touch with all my friends, and see them more often.
17. Buy something for my house. Selfless.
18. Fight less with my siblings.
19. Decide whether to write a thesis or to study a specialty.
20. Take lovely Daika for regular walks.

Let's see how much I can accomplish.

Hippie New Year!

"You are the cut that makes me hide my face..."

"Don't bother saying you're sorry.
Why don't you come in?
Smoke all my cigarettes - again...



Or Reasons, Seasons and a Lifetime

As is usual in me, I'm again dwelling in the main ring of the "Circus of Life" in which nothing is what it seems and everything is far from perfect. We, people, betray,mostly because we change and stop caring, and what was our word and our truth once, is taken by the winds of years that pass.

Or so I was wondering when I recieved a chain-mail providing explanations. Who'd know?

People appear into your life all the time, no matter how much of a loner you are (now in my case, I don't consider myself a loner, but I choose carefully-or at least, try-the people I surround myself with, 'cuz, you know, you never know). That said, the very corny chain in Powerpoint format attempted to illustrate the reasons for people to happen.

Accordingly:

Some people appear into your life for a specific REASON: you need something in that particular time being, and so this person appears into your life and sort of solves it: they help you, listen to you, share with you and then, for no apparent motive, they leave. As if their job were done. Supposedly, your need is fulfilled and is time for them to move on. Sometimes they die, other times, they just walk away or turn their backs to you, or you just stop speaking to each other. They don't stay long.

On the other hand, some people appear into your life in a particular SEASON: they are "givers", they make you laugh, they make you do thing you hadn't done before; it's the people you learn with... but they only stay for a relatively short period of time.

And finally, the least of them stay for a LIFETIME: these are the ones who help you become emotionally stable, who teach you big stuff, whith whom you grow the most.

I figured the above is very true. Some people really appear for a REASON and solve your problems, and then freeze, or fade away, or change in a way you just can't seem to be able to communicate with each other. Something small and slight happens, and you don't need each other anymore. I've been there. And, the funny thing is I haven't missed them. At times, I have thanked that they left. Not that I don't appreciate their help or the time spent together, but, as the above said, it feels as if they finished their job. And, even if I don't see (or hope I don't see) this people again, I am thankful for what they've done, and forgive what they haven't.

Some others do appear during a SEASON. In my experience, these folks are the hardesto to bid goodbye to. I've missed them TERRIBLY when they have gone. With these folks I learned how to be a friend, how to love, how to cry, how to laugh 'till my belly hurts... and how to say goodbye. Cheers to them, to their lessons, to the times shared. Cheers to them!

And there's the people that have stayed for my LIFETIME. The ones who teach you the most important things; the ones who forgive you (and whom you forgive) no matter what. The ones you love above all in the world. My siblings, my mother. My best friend Aída. My cousin Mar. My lovely aunts. And Luis, my lovely boyfriend, who has stayed for the shortest period of time to watch the show and still has shown me a hell of a lot of things. Yeah, the ones you'll hold on to forever.

The point of this post was originally to bitterly complain, as I usually do here, about something I had foreseen, but not so closely, which made it even more nerve-wrecking, that happened recently, involving people changing and the payment of a long-term debt(and the relieving, yet-as it seemed to me-ungrateful freedom I experienced from the idea of being able to never have to do with this person again). I thought I was being a bitch... even worse, a total jerk. Then I recieved the above, and understood it had sooo been a REASON-situation, serving its purpose and closing the moment I pay the last I owe. Then, freedom. Freedom to ignore. Freedom to call things (well, people) by what they are. Freedom to continue, walk proud, breathe deeply and surround myself with the LIFETIME people I adore.

...
Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid.
Like a plane I've been told I never should board.
Like a film that's so bad but I've gotta stay til the end...

Let me tell you now,
It's lucky for you that we're friends." (like a friend, pulp)

"... all my friends are murder...

... all my bones no marrows in..."

I feel a little betrayed. Just a little. My friends have been treating me like sh**t (or is it that I have been feeling like sh**t around them for no apparent reason and all they say/do, I take personally?) for a long time now. At first, it bothered me and made me sad. Now, it just makes me sad. And sort of homesick, only I feel a terrible nostalgia about the people that I don't doubt are my friends... as if I were totally "friendsick" or something.

It makes me wonder... is it me? is it I have changed? ...

Or is it they're just not real friends? (my "option A" to finish this sentence was "a bunch of jerks" --> I don't want them to stumble into this and feel aggravated... not that they read the stuff I write, but just in case)

Guess I'll never know.

This situation makes me feel bored and disconnected. Like an observer or a visitor in a place in which I used to feel safe, happy, comfortable... it plainly sux.

But I'll do nothing, noooothing at all. Deep inside, I want to keep the hopeful idea that this is yet another passing phase in our group dynamics, probably triggered by exhaustion, the ending of a semester, the moon cycles...

If I am right, I'll laugh off this post and get back to "normal".

If I am wrong, I guess I won't lose anything at all.

But as for now, I feel bored, and strange, and sometimes, really sad (sad as hell).

I just needed to put it into words.

andru chose me to play the "game" a really long, long time ago.

the "game" consists of writing eight facts about myself and invite others to do so (about themselves).

so here i go:

* i wish to become a media producer some day

* i love art and cult movies (but have no time to watch as many as i'd like)

* i adore poetry, and have written a few poems

* cold days make me terribly sad, gloomy and particularly depressive

* i believe in angels watching over me and taking care of me all the time

* i fear becoming a mother and not being half as good as mine (or even worse, being a terribly bad one)

* i enjoy singing (and have always wanted to be in a band haha)

* i read cosmo magazine :P

i have no blogger friends to invite to the "game", though.

however, feel free to post ur eight facts when you pass by :D